remember to forget

sometimes i get excited about things

Sat, 19 Jun 2004 21:04:13 GMT

July 31: BRAID * MONEEN * MURDER BY DEATH * PANIC IN DETROIT * MONDAYS HERO

anyone want to accompany me?
please.

Wednesday, July 14: SAVES THE DAY * HOT ROD CIRCUIT * BOYS NIGHT OUT
kaitlyn is my date. we are going to listen to beans trying on jeans on our way there.

i finally have some money and would love to see the following shows if anyone is interested call me....

so this weekend i took a break from the following mishaps in my life....
1.) my baby brother's fever and babysitting him
2.) my crabby stepdad recovering from open heart surgery
3.) my cousin returning to paris to find out she needs to have brain surgery because she fell down a flight of stairs from seizures
4.) my other young brother (georgie) getting plastic surgery because he cut his nose off when a door broke and glass fell on him.

seriously. wtf. god tests me. and guess what. i fucking pass.
im going to shows and blading everyday to get my mind off of things.
help please.

thank you.

the fucking drama queen of every scene,
desire

tis true.

Wed, 09 Jun 2004 21:45:10 GMT

Sam

Which 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

read people read.

sweet home chicago.

Tue, 08 Jun 2004 02:51:57 GMT

lombard bites!

i miss my school chums like fuck.

ill be in town:
thursday-sunday or even longer if i dont get the job out here.

please plan to do something with me.
dont make me beg.

columbia accepts me and i accept them.
accept not except.
just goes to show i'm ready for the big leagues.

granny-core for columbia. just wait boys. you've never met a grandma this hot in your life.
hahah. i am funny sometimes.

i am reading more than ever. minus middle school.
i finally bought and re-read "the perks of being a wallflower" and it has brought back so many memories. i recommend it to any and every high school graduate this summer before college.

rememeber the time when i thought i knew everything.
i do.

i seriously think about all of you more than you know.

"remember me cause ill be with you in your dreams"

pee.es. i love you. keep me in your pocket when the college "friends" let you down.

victory never tasted so sweet.

Wed, 02 Jun 2004 07:37:24 GMT

ive graduated.
im making my first demo in a real studio.
i suck at the piano and people cry. i hope that means im good.
job with aunt.
moving to lombard.
230am in the morning.
i was kicked out of my bed by my 13 year old cousins.
missed murder and braid. please dont rub it in.

VDO anyone? ive got money up the wazoo!

.622-2643.
for the last time.
before the move.

an interesting story.

Thu, 20 May 2004 00:58:30 GMT

I wasn’t feeling so good at all that day and figured, what the hell, let’s just see what happens if I do it. And so, there I went and did it.
“What are you doing exactly?” she said.
“I wanted to see what you’d do.”
“What?”
“Well, I wanted to do it, too, don’t get me wrong”
“Excuse me?”
“I wanted to do it,” I explained, “and also I was curious to see what you’d do. After I did it, obviously.”
“Oh.”
“Exactly.”
My hand, by the way, was still on her thigh. I couldn’t believe it. Countless times I’d been on the subway like this, moving through tunnels like this, seated next to a woman like her: so wretchedly beautiful I assumed, frankly, that she would grind all of my life’s problems (and there were many) into a fine, invisible powder. And every time, sitting there, I had the same simple thought: If you only knew me, really knew me, the kind of person I am. Then you’d let me touch your thigh. And everything would be at least decent.
She said, “I can’t believe you actually did that.”
“Neither can I.”
“But you really did. You still are.”
“Are you upset?”
“I should be.”
“But you’re not?”
“I’m upset with myself, for not being upset enough,” she said. “I mean, I really should be.”
“But my hand on your thigh, this you’re okay with?”
“I don’t know yet.”
“You don’t really look all that upset. I’d remove it otherwise.”
She said, “You don’t even know what I look like when I’m upset.”
This killed me.
“But if I did,” I said.

Should I take a moment here to describe her? Do you feel, now, like you need to know what she looks like? Do you need the little things? The way her mouth does this when she’s confused, her eyebrows that when she frowns? Would this somehow help you? Would you feel more comfortable if you understood how certain of her freckles reacted to bright sun? How about the precise shape and location of her various scars? Are you curious as to whether or not she wears perfume?
Do you want to know her name?
But I don’t want to tell you any of that. So imagine whatever you want. And whatever that is, I’m sure it’s just fine. Maybe even accurate.

“But why me?” she was now saying. Something in her face was changing, but I couldn’t tell if it was a smile exactly. “Just because I’m sitting next to you?”
The question made me nervous. Could I explain myself without sounding like a lunatic? “I’ll tell you what it was, and if you’re okay with it, I bet everything will at least be decent,” I said. “Are you ready?”
“Oh no.”
“What?”
“That sounded ominous.”
“I’m not some lunatic,” I said. “I really hope that’s coming across, because it’s the truth. Do you think I’m a lunatic?”
“Finish first, then I’ll decide.”
“Because if I was I wouldn’t just start touching your thigh on the subway. I mean, think about it: If you screamed someone would certainly pummel me in seconds.” I pointed to a hulking man wearing a sleeveless T-shirt that read IT’S JOHNSON TIME, whatever that meant. His tattooed biceps were approximately the diameter of my scull. I was frazzled. “I mean, look at him.”
“Hey.”
“What?”
“Do you remember that time when I asked you to finish?”
“I’m sorry.” And then I told her. I told her, in so many words, about riding on trains and having certain thoughts. I told her how I’m sure everyone has these thoughts, but expresses them with phrases like, “Do you want to have dinner?” or “How about the weather?” or “What’s your name?” I told her I’d tried these phrases out, and if there was anything I’d learned, it was that I had absolutely no skill at executing them properly. Telling her all this, I ended many sentences with “You know what I mean?” And I sincerely hoped she did.
She was silent.
“I’m finished now.”
“I figured that.”
“But you said nothing. There was no indication either way.”
“This is my stop,” she said.
“What?” This couldn’t be true. “No – can’t be. Really?”
She nodded. I wish there was some other way to describe how I felt just then, something less tragic and pathetic sounding, but there isn’t. I felt lonely.
“But the train’s just moving through tunnels right now,” I said. “How can this be anyone’s stop?

We were up the stairs, out of the station, standing on the street. Cars and people everywhere you looked, moving like they actually had a destination. Buildings so still they were almost moving, too. I had no idea what to say.
I said, “I have no idea what to say.”
“Are you okay?” she said.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t know. Your hands are shaking. You just seem a little – “
“Me? A little what? They shake sometimes lately – “
“Just a little tired,” she said. “That’s all.”
Things had been happening to me, and it’s true: I was tired. Was I ever. But I already told you this, didn’t I, in so many words? I don’t want to go into specifics. Maybe my mother had died, if that helps you. Picture her in the coffin, if you wish, being lowered. Or I was fired from a well-respected job. Is that better? I didn’t graduate, the skin around my eyes was suddenly wrinkled, my facial hair was still refusing to grow in. My golden retriever had a leg amputated. My pet turtle managed to drown. My life seemed utterly flat and without any purpose. It really doesn’t matter. From the right angle, everything looks the same.
“I am tired,” I said. “You’re right. But I don’t know from what.”
She looked at me, just kind of looked for a moment. I won’t pretend I have any idea what was in her head. Just things. Things I’m sure I approved of.
“I’m just around the corner,” she said. “Do you want to watch TV?”

Once, later on, we took a trip together, somewhere remote and tropical where scuba diving was involved. Her goggles were too small. They left a pink ring around her face that lasted a whole week. She didn’t care. Another time, we were in the grocery store, this after we’d moved in together, and it was about to close, and she suggested we go hide out in the back, where the meats were kept. Just to see if we could pull it off. And we did. When everyone left the store we went into the freezers where they kept the frozen products and made snowballs out of the frost. At one point, her pants were off, underwear too, and the snowballs played a key role during that moment.
And there were the many times I told her all sorts of things about myself, and she told me things about herself in response, and these things collided, knotted up, ignited, and afterwards none of these things were important to anybody. She was a track star in high school, ran the 440 in record times, and her thighs were still very strong. They looked amazing in skirts, defined but in no way manly, as I later learned. Also, when she came, in certain positions, like when we were, for instance, in the bathroom and she was perched up on the sink, her thighs bit down on my hips so hard I sometimes had bruises the next day.
And once, when things were getting bad, we were in the bathroom like that, doing it out of wrath and mercy and maybe even some version of hope. There we were, and I started yelling at her.
“Ease up with the thighs, damn it!” I said. “What’s the big deal with your thighs so much? I have bruises every time!”
“There was a time you used to like my thighs,” she said.
Then she pushed me away.
That was just the other day – the last time ever. I could tell you all the little things that led up to that moment, or my version of them. Maybe our mutual professions would play a role, certain restaurants would have cameo appearances, friends and family would be introduced. We could dig up archival footage, share pints of ice cream. I could give you her phone number and you could call her, obtain her version of all this, compare and contrast. You could make a bar graph, a Venn diagram, enter your findings into a spreadsheet. Then, once these charts and data are consulted, you could send us each notarized letters explaining exactly who was right and who was wrong.
But I don’t care about any of that, don’t even believe it exists (I used to, before I met her, if that helps any). Besides, I just miss the bruises, so much, still. That’s all I wanted to say. But everything always takes a little longer than you think.

i hate my father.

Thu, 20 May 2004 00:19:06 GMT

...

i do.

let the rain fall down ...im coming clean.

Thu, 13 May 2004 02:51:43 GMT

man. hillary duff and lindsay lohan remember... the olsen twins started this game... and they'll finish it too.

has anyone else noticied how pretty and stylish they've gotten?
i have. im somewhat of a creep.

it has rained so much today. i sat on my front porch and made flowers for nice people i know. i think ive got somewhat of a cold now though.. no good. i always get summer colds.

my brother said his first words today besides mama and dada... and it was YEAH. how funny is that? my little brother learned his first words from me doing shitty impressions of lil john. i love this kid more your life.

WGN at our school means i have to get up at 5:00 am to get on the bus at 5:30 and get to school by 6:30.... hah. i think not.

science test. exams. prom. senior day. finish line. run forest! (modern american history period 8 what?)

stick a fork in me.

3 days

Wed, 12 May 2004 02:21:06 GMT

it has been better. it has been worse. the past week was the worst.

its funny because right when i think ive got a handle on things, they change... not necessarily for the better... but change.

ive got a good grip on myself. my neighbor was talking to me tonight about how weird i can be and maybe that effecting friendships around me. she says i have serious trust issues and have some type of phobia of people because i get really nervous when the bus is crowded and i get mad when her friend play hits me... and i could go on forever, but i guess i am like that.. i can play around with people and pretend to want to have contact but the second someone touches me and i dont like them... oh man.. oh and im not a morning person... at all. im very quiet and to myself.

columbia excites me. im 99 percent ill get in, but theres always that little chance that makes me want to cry. if i go there im moving out, which means living in downtown chicago surrounded by beautiful boys and girls ill probably be jealous of... i cant wait. its going to be so different from res. thank the lord i wont have to learn about him.

its officially summer in my book... i broke out the basketball and won a game of 21 and skated at night... now i must shower yet again.

i leave you with a dedication to all of you... good or bad...
you've made me who i am... you've made me that much stronger... pfft.

5 days

Sat, 08 May 2004 12:04:55 GMT

i meant everything i said. i just... i'm not sure.
with school ending, new beginnings are around the corner... and i'm sick and tired of crying over people who obviously don't really care about me.
all i ever wanted from any of you was your friendship...
not money,
not a ride,
not to be popular by association...
just friends...
but obviously some of you wouldn't know what true friendship was if it kicked your ass, and you know who you are... and you know we talked about it!

im sorry if im coming across as a mega-bitch, but i'm just sick of being treated like some "sidekick"... i have feelings and im not blind.. i see what you do to me and others. just because i dont have money or a car doesn't mean im any less awesome.

i guess what i'm trying to say is good luck.
good luck in your future.
you're eventually going to get screwed over if you treat people like this.
you missed out on a friendship that could've been better.

oh and its about quality not quantity in friendships. remember that.

im calling out each and everyone of you

Thu, 06 May 2004 14:29:50 GMT

remember when you pretended to be tough and ran away scared?
remember when you were "second best" and i was there?
remember when you needed help and i did all i could?
remember when you said you couldnt, when you really could?
remember when the world was against you and i was your only friend?
remember driving in your car and telling me everything eventually will end?

you know who you are. you know how you treat me.
you should be ashamed.

ive been sleeping through my final days.
ill sleepwalk through life.
dont wake me up.
im glad im sleeping.

6 days. you wont visit me so stop the lies. better yet, let's pretend we never met.

dearest sluts,

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 03:31:30 GMT

Im born
Im alive
i breathe
in a moment or two i realize,
that thsi spehere upon which i reside,
its alseep upon its feet
Should I go back to sleep?

Chorus:
You stare at me like im a vitamin
On the surface you hate,
but you know you need me.
I'll come dressed as any pill you deem fit.
Whatever helps you swallow the truth
all the more easily

We orbit the sun
I grow up
my open eyes see.....
A zombified, somnabluist society.
Leaving us a vitamins
for the hibernating human animal.
Do you see what i mean?

And i wonder, will you digest me?

Into the sleep machine I won't plug in,
in fact I'd rather die before I will comply
To you, my friend
I write the reason i still live
'cause in my mind it's set the vitamin is ripe to give

(comming closer to another 2000 years)
(you and I will pry)
(the closed eye of the sleep machine)

YOU ALL MAKE ME SICK!

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 19:31:16 GMT

all this hostility going on is making me want to hurt someone... no kill!
i saw kill bill last night.. im ready.

i wish you would love me already.

shhh.

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 21:38:24 GMT

im just a fucking secret to everyone.
just my luck.
apparently i need to lose weight to win you over.
it hurts.
why am i doing it then?
fuck food.
fuck money.
all i want is you.

i want to be wanted.

thats all.

let's get to know me shall we...

Sat, 24 Apr 2004 03:31:47 GMT

//10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately
01 - the postal service
02 - the rocket summer
03 - troubled hubble
04 - murder by death
05 - bright eyes
06 - cursive
07 - the velvet underground
08 - penny and the loafers tied with yeah yeah yeahs
09 - orchestral music (Mozart, Beethovhen, etc.)
10 - hanson

//09 things you look forward to
1 - graduation
2 - saying goodbye to cunts forEVER!
3 - after prom slumber party at Lisa's
4 - skanking with stephanie at church on sunday
5 - falling in love
6 - falling out of love
7 - falling in love... etc.
8 - meeting teachers with real knowledge and experience
9 - learning subjects and facts that matter to me
//
8 things you like to wear
1 - underwear
2 - sports bras (to make em appear smaller)
3 - old lady skirts
4 - worn-in jeans
5 - sleeved shirts
6 - clips
7 - hair spray
8 - my "true love waits" promise ring

//07 things that annoy you
1 - money.
2 - girls.
3 - money.
4 - mosquitos.
5 - fake perfection.
6 - little 10 year old brothers.
7 - school.

//06 things you say most days
1 - "bleh" like lisa
2 - "nice hoodie" hahahha
3 - "oh wow" sarcasm
4 - "psh" i just make noises most of the time
5 - "im just an award winning lama" steph hahhaha
6 - "i wish..."

//05 things you do everyday
1 - think.
2 - play me piano.
3 - cry (just a little).
4 - bite my nails.
5 - tease my hair.

//04 people you want to spend more time with
1 - God.
2 - the girls at school that i will miss, 16 days.... lets hang out.
3 - a boy.
4 - my baby brother.

//03 movies you could watch over and over again
1 - Billy Madison tied with Bio-Dome
2 - Amelie (i'm still trying to learn french)
3 - Labyrinth (bust music ever.. Bowie)

//02 of your favorite songs at the moment
1 - These Days- Nico
2 - Maps- yeah yeah yeahs

//01 person you could spend the rest of your life with
1- myself.

oh me oh my

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 17:40:45 GMT

google your name, eh?... this is what comes up with

im large and luscious

im hot

im a potato apparently

im a kids drawing im a drag queen im a skater's invite... oooo lala.

and lastly im an award winning lama.

please.

Tue, 20 Apr 2004 00:22:42 GMT

i love you but you cant keep doing this to me.
i may not have someone in chicago who's better than you, it doesnt mean you can treat me like this.

please stop.

iloveyoutwin.

ska is dead and we are slowly bringing it back to life

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 14:48:50 GMT

cockrock

fun times. nicoola is one chick you wish would bang you with her 36 in. cock (as shown above)... She is probably going to be my prom date... unless she finds yet another boy. gees. your history lesson in the car was confusing... next time prepare me, so i can bring something to take notes on.

"i like your hoodie" was the catchphrase of the evening. i have never laughed so hard. thank you. i really needed that.... and so did you <3.

oh and don't forget about the chick in front of us jumping on her friend and rubbing her ass on the boy... oh wow. you forgot.

today...so far i woke up at 6am by the sound of a bee of all bee's buzzing like a mofo. i jumped out of my bed repeatingly saying "oh shit!" i tried to open the window so i would not kill it, but indeed i had to. i hope he didn't have a family waiting up for him. if he did, oh fucking well. it's the story of my life, the bee family will have to deal too.

and now i am doing a lame wedding project, even though i am never getting married, and eventually i will clean my room.

tomarrow... dress down day... skirt, shoesies, hot shirt, spring pep rally. the seniors will dominate (not really. shhh. dont let them know we suck at life)!

FOUR WEEKS! can you handle it?

i'm feeling much better now. thank you for last night. i don't think you've realizied the impact you have on me.

Sat, 17 Apr 2004 20:49:37 GMT

call me please!

do you realize?

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:39:57 GMT

let's start from the beginning... a very good place i'd say....

take 2 bus'.
(while thoughts of my stepdad cheating on my mom fresh in mind)
school.
liturgy.
ugly picture taken.
wish i was mute, especially during lunch.
ms. buol on my ass.
leave school.
no ride.
waiting for bus for an hour.
back to school.
no ride still.
call home.
no answer.
crying in school in front of everyone a team (soccer or something).
no more money for phone.
not being able to use the school's phone.
stephanie offering to take me to therapy.
walk to train, about a mile or two.
not enough money for train.
cry.
getting on for FREE.
i bought stephanie ice cream.
yelled "go cubbies" a lot.
stephanie's house.
called mom.
mom's at home.
mom's mad.
therapy was cancelled.
more tears.
being told i was stupid and a pain in the ass.
2 buses home.
no one's home.
bath.
walk around the neighborhood looking for friends.
no one's out.
they have better lives.
lives that dont involve neglection, deceit, suffering, loneliness.
sure they have some.
how many times have you "been sick" and missed weeks of school?
how many?
two.three. maybe four.
none.
i have.
so talk to me when your biggest problem isnt what color to paint your nails for prom.
im done with this petty shit.
im tired of pretending im fine.
i wear so much makeup to hide the signs.
did you ever notice?
i didnt think so.

i love my twin, too bad he live's in another galaxy.

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 02:22:35 GMT

...cause we never turn out the way we thought we would. you can search and search, for sedation that doesnt hurt. life always hurts, there's never any peak. rain washes away the soot of sin, but the sin is still black as coal in out hearts. i have taken in this ceremony of blank faces and caucophony of silently warm bodies and souls on ice. And the warmth fills my throat and lungs and mind. a warm blanket absorbing my pity and cynicism, what a beautiful thing. i try so hard to keep a distant observance, and no matter what i try, i get dragged down. to this place, this place i must stay. these people, they are alien to me and i do not recognise their faces. odd contorted expressions are juxtaposed on perfectly framed faces. color coded and categorized, i read them from left to right, books of uncertainty and emptiness painted with expensive paints. why did god set me here, among these people and their dreary surroundings and bad vocabularies. sonic beauty and a sad, pretty face are my only relief. i can see you far off, as in a dream and walking closer. only the closer you come, the more distorted you become, like looking through the bottom of a glass coke bottle. my eyelids become heavy and slip around your vision, like curtains coming to a close on the movie. you are like a dream, and i know that is all you'll ever be. my dreams, they are too great even for the head that creates them. i slip into temporary infancy and envision you and your incredible beauty. of all the faces i see in a day, a single one can steal a part of me, and i never get it back. and one day all of my stolen pieces will become one before me, walking through the crowd and leading me by the hand. a culmination of every thing of beauty i have seen in my life. you will take me....
***he wrote that and sent it to me... he said i was "in his mind"... damn distance! damn you!***

far away but still in my heart. he's been there through every "boyfriend" and i've been there through every car crash he's been in... one day.....<3

you're invited! mary-kate and ashley style!

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 22:54:40 GMT

you dont have to if you really cant stand me.

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 01:48:33 GMT

you know the deal..

one.two.three.questions.go!

nothing P.I.M.P. about PIMPLES.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 19:48:34 GMT

stress is such a bitch. gaining weight before prom. getting pimples. and shaking. not good. not good at all.

thursday: day> research paper and essays. night> choir practice.

friday: day> nada. night> church play with stephanie kochs.

saturday: night>bowling banquet with fahza and step-mahza.

sunday-tuesday: church. play time with Jacq, lots-o-nick jr. and playhouse disney.

back to school for four long weeks.

Thu, 08 Apr 2004 00:21:36 GMT

wow. things are going so good. actually i think they have gotten worse but i cant tell because i found a way to distract myself and make me happy. i joined vintage_hair (laura zeee should join!!!) and i've been practicing new pomps...prepare yourself, i'm coming back strong and hotter than ever.
i also joined my teen youth group and tomarrow i am practicing with the choir (they asked me if i was interested), but unfortunately that's at night...

i still have no money, but im learning how to do things that are priceless.... (i just wish i had someone to do them with...).

kaitlyn, hang time? tommarrow? during the day? maybe? if not friday day?

i redid my entire room and have started working out again to keep my spirits up. hmmm... what else? oh i'm still recruting walkers for the hike on may 8th which is fun, but tiresome and i might get a jorb with CareFirst teaching abstinence to the youth of illinois... xXx ...

thats about it. anyone interested in keeping me busy on thursday or friday? other than that, hope you all have a blessed easter. be safe. i love you.

"god is bigger than the boogie man"- junior asperagus of veggie tales

Sun, 04 Apr 2004 14:47:47 GMT

yesterday consisted of...

Onyx Hotel tour dancing with my stepmom. we changed it once she got to the "touch of my hand" song... a little too risky for this christian household.
so then we watched...

"watch out he's behind you"- me every five minutos.
.. and i freaked. i have never screamed so much in my entire life. scary stuff on the real. eeeeep.
and then to help me sleep...

and today is church and dress pickup.